Why

Why do i do anything anymore. Why do i even try....i'm done this is stupid, i just wanna curse right now, but it wouldn't do any good, no one is even effing listening.

I feel like I've been cheating on this blog.....I started a new blog, even though I plan on using them simultaneously I haven't been over here in a while. Maybe because I didn't have much to say?

Well, I have yet to lie to you since no one will probably read this and if they do, I pretend they don't...so might as well not start now so I'll just say it.

I am afraid. I am one who isn't usually afraid of anything...not that I'm super macho or above being afraid, I just never saw the point in it, I have a healthy fear of Lightning, yet every time it storms I am outside watching it. But I am afraid of not knowing what I'm doing with my life, afraid if I've made the right choices, afraid of never finding someone who will love me and want to spend their life with me. To be honest, I don't know why these thoughts have so consumed my mind as much as they have these past few weeks. I had a friend who was honest enough to tell me I just need to stop worrying about finding a wife/girlfriend so much. And I agree, I've never been one to worry about that? So Why all of the sudden is it one of the main topics of my never-ending brain. Maybe it's because it's something that honestly doesn't matter, so If I worry about that intead of all the other things that are causing me stress, then I won't feel as bad? I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a weird place in my life, and I'm questioning a lot of things.

Well blog, always know you were my first, and I'll never forget you....ok maybe I will one day, but not yet, I still love you. haha i'm such a dork.


you stay classy internet

Relationships, Riches, and Remembering

On Friday, I had a meeting with Jackson Dunn, He works for the "Center for Relationship Enrichment" basically long story short they do these assessments on your "EQ" or Emotional Intelligence, and they look at everything from self-image, to your view of relationships...etc. And basically one thing we talked about is how I don't recognize my emotions as easily as I notice them in others. Interesting talk...

Anyway, I have been thinking about money a lot lately, I hate money, I wish we didn't need it, but alas, we do. So I thought it would be cool to win the lottery, but I don't really want to win like $300 Million cause that is just WAY too much...I just want like $20 million, I'm ok with that. I've just been a little stressed with Owing school money, Dr's bills, and still needing about $1200 for my Choir trip to Northern Ireland. It's very stressful, plus I am trying to live off-campus next year, and they guys want to start the lease in May, and I don't even have a job. So, I have been having a lot of difficulties not worrying and letting the Holy Spirit take over my worries and fears.

Which leads me into my final "R" Remembering God. Francis Chan wrote a book about how we neglect and even forget about the Holy Spirit, in his book "Forgotten God" It is amazing!! And it's helping me realize that it is in a sense normal that I have trouble with "letting go and letting God" but it's still not good. We either believe What Jesus said in the Bible, and know that the Holy Spirit is in us, and will give us the things He promised if we pray for them, or we don't! There's not an option where we believe and get let down. If we are asking for the things that we are promised and we have faith, He WILL give them to us. No matter what your belief on the Holy Spirit is, I think you need to read this book. Charismatic or Conservative, the Holy Spirit IS part of the Trinity, and as such should be revered, and remembered!

I hope when you read this you will be closer in your walk with God then you were when you wrote it. Bye Phillip, go drink your iced mocha.

4:20 & High as a Bird

Now, before you freak out, I didn't do any drugs. But what I did do was something I hadn't done in a very long time, at least not just for the heck of it. I climbed a tree. There are these big trees on the quad of JBU's Siloam Springs campus. One of them in particular is my favorite. Favorite for one of the most relaxing things a person can do..Hammock :D I have a GREAT hammock, I got it for Christmas from my parents, per my specific request (I don't usually ask for anything.) I received an ENO Double Nest hammock, holds two people and up to 400 lbs. Or, in my case....just me. As I climbed up the tree about 20 feet or so, wrapped the Slap Straps and set up my hammock, I sat there in utter relaxation, and my mind wondered (as it normally does.) So I decided to climb out of my hammock and climb higher into this tree. As I reached the point where I stopped climbing, I looked at my phone and it was 4:20 pm. As I felt the branches swaying beneath my feet, due to the mighty winds, I realized how amazing God is. Even though MOST of the trees on campus were planted by JBU to make our campus beautiful (they do look pretty good.) There are a few that have been there for a while. Behind me was the old cemetery, with hedge stones older than I care to imagine. To my left the Walker Student Center, my right the Engineering building and Mayfield. I could see a good ways off into the distance of the Ozark landscape of Northwest Arkansas. I stood there for a good 20 minutes just swaying and moving with the tree, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze wrinkle my shirt with every breath. I felt two conflicting emotions. I felt great humility with how GREAT my GOD is, and how HE made all of these beautiful things for little ol' me. The other was loneliness, when I truly realized how short life is, and how Beautiful Creation is, I couldn't help but realize I kept looking around for someone I knew. Someone I could share this beautiful view with. I felt like that is how God intended for us to enjoy His Creation, with someone we love. First family, then Friends, then eventually the person that we will spend our lives with.
So I climbed back down, and got into my hammock, and pulled out my book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and read a chapter. I could blog a lot about Francis Chan, but I won't. Let's just suffice it to say, he is an awesome author, and is good at making anyone want to be closer to God. But, I did enjoy reading, and having some alone time with just me and God, but I realized that even though, I may not be at a place in my life where I am ready for Marriage, but I do want that day to come.....sooner rather then later.

Ok, Phillip, that's it for now. Now, GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Guns, Tattoos, and Depression.

If you would have told me 10 years ago, that when I was 23 I would have a hard time choosing between getting a tattoo or buying a new gun...well, it's true. I paid my taxes like everyone is suppose to (don't even get me started on that) and I don't know what to do when my tax return comes back. I want to get a tattoo of Romans 1:16 and the words "Not Ashamed" that my good friend is drawing up for me. But I also want a revolver. Both would be AROUND the same price, and I would probably have both for the rest of my life. So I am stumped.

Also, I've been kinda bummed, not really depressed, but it made the title sound cooler, but definetly bummed. I applied to be a barista at a new local coffee shop opening up soon, and I didn't get it. I didn't BOMB the interview, in fact they hire 9 people, and I was 10th on the list. That on top of all the school stress, I've just been really down. So, any of you people out there reading this, IF ANYONE DOES, pray for me to cheer up and to see myself how God sees me.

okthanksbye,

Phillip

Hate is a strong word,

But I really, Really, Really don't like Valentine's Day.

Tattoo

So, I've been thinking of getting another tattoo. I want one of the scriptures that I've been thinking about. Even though No one reads this, I will post it anyway. So, here are my "options"

1 Corinthians 10:23 (love this verse and what it stands for)
2 Corinthians 7:10 with the words "No Regrets"

the next thing I was thinking is getting the words "Not Ashamed" with either
2 Timothy 2:15
or
Romans 1:16

If anyone reads this, comment and tell me what you think.